Whole Foods, Porter Ranch, no not a typo...controversial, rugged writing, read with caution, a bit offensive

Look, I just can't say it enough, I don't find tacos, they find me.  I was minding my own business heading to the chiropractor with Melissa, Alexander, Eleni and the Juggernaut.  We go to a chiropractor in Porter Ranch on the North end of the Valley.  There is a Whole Foods right next door.  Anyhow, I was overwhelmed by the smell of tacos.  They have a little tent set up right outside of the store and are selling street tacos.  I held low expectations, but was delighted and excited by what I saw.  I think that the menu impressed me the most.  It was potato, asada or pollo.

I got one of each.  Just thought I'd eat them in the car.  I was with Melissa, and I know I've never put a picture of her on the blog as she doesn't normally go Tacoteering with me, but I did snap a shot of her driving and eating.  I know that she will be happy to find her picture on the blog.

Yeah, I know, I'm a lucky guy.  Ha, I chuckled while writing that one.  So that is my wife eating.  She is really good at eating.  I know that she eats often.  Well, only in California are you going to find a supermarket that sells street tacos outside, so for that, I commend you Whole Foods.  I kept my expectations lower then a midgets urinal and that was in my best interest for sure.  You pay, walk over to the grill, they fill your plate with what was ordered, then you head over to their salsa bar.

So, the salsa bar looks promising right?  I mean it really did, but looks were very deceitful.  The cilantro was wilted, the onions were too sharp.  Yeah, that came from me.  I love sharp flavors and onions and I'm screaming NO!  Yes, that bad.  Salsas looked good.  They looked homemade and fresh.  They had the look.  We are jumping into the ratings, trust me, looks is all that the salsas had.

RATINGS:
RED SALSA: 2, this might be a generous score for this flavorless blunder.  I would not call this salsa.  It was old tomatoes mixed with old onions, canned jalapenos and yeah, it sucked more the a hooker on Sherman Way.
GREEN SALSA: 1, it really hurt typing the word salsa, as this was not a salsa.  It was more like a bad aioli.  This stuff sucked more then a drunk cheerleader at prom.  Yeah, I said it.  The cuts are deep on this blog.  This food insulted me, my palate, my taco integrity.  I look back into my Tacographic Memory and can't find many salsas that suck more then this one.  It was like food colored mayonnaise.  Just to hold up my end of the deal, just so you know, I did not like it.  It was confirmed by Melissa that it sucked.  She is the chick stuffing her face while driving up above.
TACO de PAPA: 1, yeah, lets call this what it is.  Unsalted potatoes, boiled with onions and shoved into an unsuspecting, helpless, victimized tortilla.  Me no like.
ASADA: 1,  I don't know how you one asada.  I mean it is grilled cow.  It is easier then my high school sweetheart at a college party.  This stuff was junk.  No flavor, no fun, no nothing.
POLLO: 3, yeah, three makes the highlight of the trip.  That is embarrassing in itself.  The chicken wasn't bad.  It was well seasoned, cooked perfectly, light crunch, juicy, but cooked.  I thought it was good, but it sure did not impress me enough to rate it better then the "norm."

So this is after Melissa had attacked the Pollo Taco, the second it made it into the Big Red Dragon (her van).  The food was not good.  By not good, I mean that it sucked.  I'm going to go on record and say it.  My house is just shy of 4 miles from here.  If you feel that tempted, call me, come over, I will make you tacos so that you do not have to endure the poop plate that I did.  Even those of you that read this and I don't like do not deserve this trash.  Run, run fast, seriously, really fast.  This stuff is not good.  It is worse then the Jaguar's record this year.

Thanks for reading, sorry for the bad news, but you are welcome for the warning.  On a very positive note, I'm heading out tonight with Brandison and we are going to a very promising place off of the 210 near the 5 freeway.  This place has been on my radar and I have taco sources that say it is better then the highly acclaimed, infamous El Faro.  I know, hard to believe, I'm so excited my nipples could cut glass.  Party one everyone and please, Stay Excellent.